Between

Today i fail, miserably, but hope.
The mix of things I've been ignoring now coming to the surface as something not worth having.
Forgive me, not my memory, but my will has been telling you to go away, my regret now comes into the play, i know you still want me as I am, you'll tell what you don't want, i don't want to be cold when surrounded by fire, the fire that is coming soon, the fire that has the purpose of being a reference, please, I want to be with the fire, and be the fire, you the source.
I've been alone, so alone, they don't give what i want from them, by myself i have to push forward, even against myself, i need someone to tell me what I know, that means the know it.
but yet i don't need them, but that position has its boundaries, and i need to keep inside them, the anxiety of being surrounded by the waves, and to rely on that waves is to deny my own self.
But still some necessary remnant, its incomplete yet, but how does it matter, how does it matter!

...blem

Yes i have.

Indeed, just another face.

Only to me, and whoever gets it.

Quite imperfect, let me tell you

Well, I'll tell you: Why do you cling to yourself? life would fulfill its purpose with you, Men, and God if you refused yourself.

Well, I'm yourself, refuse me, I'll give up something about myself, a big chunk i would surrender.

I just told you, Don't try to make this so poetic.

I told you that too, but Indeed, come with me.

Although I'm stuck with myself, that doesn't mean i can't go with you, I'll cling to you even if that means going out of me.

Came back

Who did i try to fool? i tried to come back to you, what a joke, i want to do better this time, disregard some things, i want to come back, or go for the first time, but the result must be the same, i want to know what am i missing.

Minds

The Mouse told the Hawk very madly "Let me go! i have things to do and i can't do them like this!" immediately after that, the Hawk (with a happy face) went upwards swinging his wings very violently, mauling the mouse badly,he could not even think how annoyed he was.
After the Hawk began to fly in a more peaceful way the Mouse was very dizzy and had his tongue sticking out with confusion,but when he realized at what height he was, he immediately regretted what he said before and begged:
"Please! Hold me tighter, don't let me go!" and with that he curled into a ball with his eyes close shut.

After some time flying (and the mouse didn't dared to open his eyes or get into a better position in that time) the hawk suddenly came to an abrupt stop, and then the mouse felt all of his blood going to his head as he was released from the Hawk's claws, the Mouse was sure that for no apparent reason the Hawk was going to release him at a high height, and let him fall to his death. Naturally, the Mouse with his pessimism was wrong, because immediately he felt his back softly hitting the floor... "Floor? Floor!" he said as he rolled in his place to stand up in two paws, and the first thing he saw after opening his eyes was the sky and the horizon, then he slowly bowed to see the floor, and he saw the floor, the only problem was that there were approximately 200 meters between him and the floor he was looking at, (and in mouse measures, 200 meters would be the equivalent of several kilometers) if he didn't already had white fur, i would be white after seeing that, but anyway he stopped looking downwards (trembling badly) and spun 180 degrees and looked downwards again, and this time he saw the floor too, but he also saw his two paws touching that floor, and thats when he started to breath again (and also his heart began to beat again)
this whole mess caused him to almost faint, but he just lost his balance and fell flat on his other two paws, and looking forward, he saw that there was plenty of room to move, and he was in the edge of whatever he was standing on, taking advantage of being on all fours, he ran quickly away from the edge, just to be sure that he was not going to fall, and also being in the edge made him feel dizzy, when he saw that he was no longer in the edge, he stopped running, looked everywhere to see if there was a way to get out of there, but where he looked he saw just that there was no way out of there, because he was standing in a round rock platform, and the only way to get there was flying, and therefore the only way out was flying... or falling, but that wasn't a good option to get out of there alive.



-okaaaay, this is quite obvious, this Hawk is going to come at any moment to eat me, i gotta fight him back!
and after that he stopped talking and began to think...
-he's much bigger than me, so i don't have a chance to fight with him, so i will have to outsmart him, but how!? even if i could get out of here, he could just hunt me down again, and again and again... maybe he could decide to stop chasing me and just eat me quickly, something else then, he could return at any moment now...
Could I pounce him unconscious?, that would require me to run to gather the strength to give him a good tackle, and he could dodge me, and i would end up falling... but, how high am I anyway?
He walked slowly and clumsily to the edge of the rock, when he got a glimpse of the floor below him... he almost wet himself... with a shocked face and a with clumsy steps he returned to the center of the rock, and sat on the floor...
- Out of the question.
The reality was that there were not many options to get out of there alive, let alone unharmed, but would still cling to the work of finding a way out.
The place he was standing at seemed to be made of solid rock, a brownish, dry, coin-shaped big rock, standing approximately 200 meters above the floor, the brownish, plain floor, which seemed to be constantly inviting The Mouse to come to its touch.
The sky was very cloudy, but only a thin layer, very thin, not enough to provide shade, and the sun was on its maximum height above the Earth in that spot the mouse was standing, lucky him.
Time passed around him, literally forming a circle around him, time and mental activity were in his head, he wasn't giving his life away, but it also could be taken by force, but he was in for a fight.

A shadow came, a shadow just above him, a Hawk-shaped shadow.
He could not stand it and curled in to a tight ball with his eyelids almost merging with his eyes.
what he heard next was the sound of something being dumped into the floor, and two angry voices saying "ow! hey, watch it!" and they were not a hawk voice.
After the mouse heard the Hawk flying away , he dared to look , and he saw two mice, much to his comfort, both were normal mice, with all what you could expect of a mouse, one mouse was white with brown spots scattered all around his back, and the other was a Grey mouse, they were both shaken and their fur was a mess, all the rubbing between each other was a good way to annoy them, and sure they were angry.
But what he noticed first was that they were not curled up cowardly in a tight ball, like he was when he got here, and that they were not all disturbed and scared as he was, they were rather angry and very eager to solve things the tough way, but obviously they didn't stop to consider their current position.

the Mouse was thankful for having someone else there with him to help him with his escape, but they didn't share his careful and shy approach to the problem (something that was probably what he needed right now)
After waiting until they cooled down, The Mouse tried to call their attention, because the hadn't noticed him, he knew his audience and yelled with authority:

"Hey you two! Help me to find a way out, will that Hawk kill us and eat us without having a hard time? or is he going to eat us? i say no! help me to get a way out of here, even if we have to get our paws dirty"

The newly arrived Mic found those words to be funny, so they both grinned and completely calmed down, while peacefully approaching The Mouse, when they were close enough to talk The Spotted Mouse Said:
"Hey, calm down, we were only excited and upset, no need to be so heroic man, let's just think about someone, that Hawk is going to come soon, and we need to be ready"
Their grins and cool logic (and the fact he tried to lead them with such arguments) made The Mouse feel confused embarrassed and somewhat stupid, so he abandoned his preconceived ideas and proceeded to talk:
"Well, erm... then, now we need to do something! that Hawk can't eat us just like that, we have to defend ourselves"
With those words said his fear and doubt came back to light again...
"The Hawk's coming for us, The Hawk's coming for us"

"Nothing we can't handle us three" was the taunt and the premise of the Grey mouse, lucky them.
Now with the Hawk away from them, the fear stepped back, they all felt it, but had different degrees of reactions, the two new mice's being the lowest, and thus their train of thought was mostly about physical solutions to the problem, which involved some violence against their Captor the Hawk.
The Mouse was reluctant to take part in the other two mice plans, they scared him! how scary were they? not time for all of them, but these are a good sample,
taken of the "Conversation" they had with The Mouse after being "Introduced" so smoothly to each other:
"Wait until that Flying Coward comes, just as he tries to land he will be very vulnerable to our three way attack. For The attack we need you Mouse to be the bait, if you can draw the Hawk's attention by doing something that enrages him, he will put all your focus on you while he tries to kill you, while he tries to do that we will jump to his wings at the same time, so you will have to make him come close to the ground, so when we get to him, we will try to gnaw his wings off! while he's 'busy' having his wings chewed off, you will try to break or bent that pointy beak of his, so he can not harm us with it, as for the claws I don't think they will be so important after having his wings eroded by our teeth, that's when he will flee, or die, whatever happens first."
This one was from The Spotted Mouse, who had a questionable grasp on reality regarding the ease of dismembering animals with rodent teeth.

This idea, came from The Grey mouse, which wasn't as violent as the previous idea, but...
"There's no way we can escape from him now, so he will have to flee, but not unharmed, so he can't consider messing with us again. what we should do is try to chisel a small spear out of this rock, if each one of us does his part we can do it only with our teeth and claws, and if we had enough time we could make more than one, so he can have three mice to fight against, and the idea is to try to wound him in the head or in the chest, even in the claws if he's tough enough, but not on the wings! if we wound his wings then he would have no option but to stay and fight, we must give him a good reason to flee for his life."
Obviously this idea wasn't so extreme, but had the downside of the improvised weaponry required, and that The Mouse lacked the bravery required to perform both plans.
Grey mouse's mind later spawned another suicide attempt, i mean, a plan.
"I think the Hawk is very confident in his predator position and in his body designed to kill, too confident to care for three little mice, he'll just come and have his snack, one at a time, he will pay close attention to try to eat one of us to care about the other two insignificant mice, so if each one of us stood at opposites sides of this platform the Hawk would have to come after one of us first, he won't be able to see the two remaining behind him, he will use that as an advantage to ambush him from the back, when he tries to get one of us, the other two should sneak behind him and try to bite his legs, to bite them with such pressure that he will have no option that to notice, he'll drive his attention back to us biting his claws and the mouse in the front can run straight to his head and tackle him, trying to knock him out, it must be a very hard pounce, if we can knock him out we could push it to the edge and we get rid of the problem"
The Mouse actually thought this was a good idea, didn't require such a display of violence or non-existent tools, and it was also possible to achieve, the all agreed upon it and made preparations to perform it when the Hawk arrived.

There was a wait to wash down most of the excitement and nervousness, they were constantly watching in every direction to see if they could behold their death coming to them, only that they now they had the intention to avoid that death.
"The Hawk's coming, The Hawk's coming" there it was the Hawk, at 40 meter away from them, but approaching quite fast, with his wings folded back and falling like a shell ready to explode in the ground, approaching, faster each moment, The Mice's mind stepped back in fear, he was quickly approaching, when the Hawk was only three meters away from the platform he spread his wing in an Awe-inspiring and majestic way, the Mice were so scared.
The Mice expected the Hawk to land, but he didn't even touch the platform, he flew slowly over the platform and dropped something, something alive.
This was of course another mouse, Just what they needed right?
Well, they could have hoped to get someone to help them out with all the planning and performing of those attempts to get out alive, but instead they get a Mouse, with a pink T-shirt with a small white cat on it, this female Mouse (Which are going to call "Shirt Wearing Mouse" long, I know, but it's the only way)
So this newly arrived Mouse had her own way of dealing with troubles, which of course was only to panic, scream and run in circles, So, guess how she reacted when she fell... As soon as she stood up and recovered the breath, she began to yell, run and say things like: "I'm gonna die here!"

Awareness at last

This has had a sad tone.
Seems like a sad tone, but it's not.
I haven't tried to say I'm hopeless and desperate, there is much happiness and gratitude,
but the mind doesn't show that.
well, now I have to say that there's a new motivation in me, also a new purpose, a new way to think, and I've rejected many things; overwriting them with more fresh and clean knowledge: I'm awake, fully rested!
Now God has me as his subject, he had me before, but did I care?
Now some light has been shed over me, inside me, not many questions, I'm desperate to do what I was meant to! I want it! I'll completely enjoy it.
Now my mind is cold and smooth, moves fast, loves more.
Love, comes from the mind, but not from any mind, I'm developing it, I'm happy.
No hope, only assurance, assurance that I'll be alright, he told me so, that's what I needed.
I haven't fully reached it yet, but i will, no hope, only assurance that i will, with the help of God and his unorthodox way to fix me, and to keep me as unorthodox as it can get, thank you.

This has come along with joy, and cold writing cannot give you the full grasp.
so i have composed something , with my mind and my emotions, to make you feel what i think.

I don't

I still don't find the balance between me and God, some middle ground can't exist.
I want to keep me, but i should not, He won't overwrite my personality, but use it?
The optimal way to live this is with Him, i deon't mean optimal, i mean perfect.
I Could get it, but my problem is that I don't want it.
My desire for you is sometimes nonexistent, you said, and showed to me that you're willing to be with me regadless of the price, but I dont! I should, and I want that desire for you, you'll fulfill me, i just need to seek it.
Overwrite the desire! overwrite those obstacles! overwrite my priorities!
Some of "Myself" will be compromised for you, I don't care, do it, you do it.
I have to remember that it doesn't depend on me, it's all about Him.

You don't

Something has been molesting me (False cognates! the better way to embarass yourself for the rest of your life)
well, something has been bothering me.
well, i think i'll go berserk any moment now!!

Why everybody wants me to be like them? it happens that if you have you quirks, your odd ways to perceive things, your stupid little things that stand out; well, it's going to get you into some friction with the people, but why do they always want you to change!? to reject what you didn't notice about yourself, but those unnoticeable bits make you whole, they make me find someplace that doesn't exist here, but i can create it! not my feelings, but my effort and my mind will make me find that place between the people, the world of the dead people.
because the true life doesn't depend on me, depends on Him, he's crazy and loves me for some twisted and unknown reason, I can't believe it.
But i know some change is unavoidable, and very important to get to be who i want to be.
But some thing remain untouched, they may drive me away from the people, but i will embrace them, no the people, i owe nothing to them, so i might as well reject and keep them away from me.
I don't want a sociopathic attitude towards everything, but try to make me like you, and keep telling me to stop having my own opinions: then i won't care about your overated social attitude.
i will be myself, only when "Myself" doesn't go against Him, He is far more important than me, and if he told me to reject my own person, my life, my little and unimportant life here in this Geisteskrankenhaus, then i would do it, with all the pain, but with no sacrifice, He's worth that and even more.
but when "Myself" doesn't go agains Him, then i will keep it.
No, i don't care if it keeps me away from people: my choice.
No, i don't care if it's not what you would like: my own style.
No, i don't care if it's considered not normal: my own standard.
No, i don't care if it doesn't please people: my pleasure.

The pleasure, how do enjoy being myself, i've come to the conclussion that i'm perfectly happy being who I am, i wouldn't like to be someone else, I am happy, so happy.
They don't see... so I'll forgive their ignorance.
sheding some light will take away my reasons to tolerate it, to forgive it, I better not.

I'm wasting it

Estoy sub-utilizando todos mir recursos, deberia hacer algo con mi vida, pero estoy haciendo siempre lo mas improductivo, podria haber hecho mucho, pero estoy desperdiciando todo.
no solo estoy ignorando lo que yo queria hacer, pero tambien lo que tengo que hacer como responsabilidad, estoy ignorando la responsabilidad, y seguir asi puede llevarme a la ruina en el futuro.
tiempo para todo, mas tiempo para unas cosas que para otras, pero lo estoy cambiando todo y el resultado me hace sentir mal, y con razon.
Las horas pasan muy rapido, pero las semanas no, de hecho los mese son muy largos, el tiempo no pasa rapido! y el que lo este constantemente repitiendo es porque no tiene mucho contacto con la realidad, y vive de recuerdos sin considerar lo que paso entre esos eventos que recuerdad, ¡piensa en todo lo que paso! ¡y estoy seguro de que no fue rapido!
pero aun asi las horas si pasan mas rapido que todo, y pasan rapido para mi si las desperdicio como acostumbro, ya no quiero eso, quiero que el tiempo me trascurra lento, y que ese tiempo sea completamente ocupado.
escribiendo, probablemente eso me haga creer que soy util, pero no va a servir de mucho para luego, me estoy dando prioridad.
la responsabilidad es primero, dicen, a mi no me importa si es primero o despues, mi problema es que no es ni primero ni despues, tengo que hacer algo con mi vida!

He

The urgency to make a serious commitment is indeed, huge.
The procedure to that commitment takes me to face away from what would please me, and i haven't been as pleased with Him.
It pleases me right? Is that pleasure true? Does it last forever? it seems like it, the pleasing factor lies on the habit, and that habit is something to hate, so, Does it please me?
happiness last forever, no need to draw it closer to you by yourself.
Habit, what i do, by myself and to my own sake.
It's driving me insane, i want to stop it! the urge to keep it on is overpowering! the desire to stop it always coming to light!!
It pleases me right? so uneasy, unrest.
Does it last forever? : you mean the short relieve? that way to satisfy my own interests?
It's not only the habit, it's the way the mind it's locked on.
Not only a specific certain thing, it's about the whole spectrum.
now, there's also a overpowering urge, an ominous unrest, always telling me otherwise, and with a reason.
and that urge is also to Stop It!
Will that Please me?
Now or Later?
It's not going to show results now, will help the unrest, but the desire and other kind of unrest will also be present, after a hard struggle.
And what about later? blatant victory, success, take that! and regarding that victory:
Will it please me? How so? How are thing going to be?
No unrest, no struggle, the memories will be pleasant.
no doubts someone else will be pleased.
will that please me? rest, award, it all will last forever, no remorse.
it's bigger and lasts forever: what the hell am I doing here?

Paradoja y frustracion.

Cuando eres egoísta haces lo que quieres: "pero que sea lo que quiero, que se pudran las personas."
y también : "voy a hacer esto para sentirme bien este momento, que se pudra el futuro"
pero la verdad es: "esto es lo que quiero ya, aunque después de hacer me voy a sentir como basura, no vale la pena"
¡¿Entonces porque seguimos haciéndolo?! obviamente es el hedonismo lo que te hace hacer tonterías que en ese momento quieres hacer, y que luego ese mismo hedonismo se va a tragar, nada mas que transformadas en algo mucho mas desagradable.
Hacemos algo que sabemos que va a ser malo para nosotros, mucho mas malo de lo que nos complació lo que hicimos: pero decidimos actuar compulsiva-mente para tomar decisiones para el presente.
Obviamente el resultado es exactamente lo opuesto a lo que querías, y lo sabes, y lo repites.
¿Como puede nuestra mala voluntad llevar a tomar decisiones que van a a afectarnos?
Creo que nuestra voluntad no ve que el dolor es una consecuencia de algo especifico que hicimos, por eso sigue deseando lo primero que se nos ponga en la cara, y definitivamente no es bueno.
la naturaleza humana esta decadente, no podemos salir de nuestros propios vicios: vicios de no poder cumplir tu palabra hacia ti mismo, de hacer lo incorrecto por la satisfacción de ese momento.
Pienso que lo que a alguien le causa dolor o malestar, es algo que se intenta evitar, obviamente esa regla tan básica se rompe aquí, creo que es engañada por la satisfacción inmediata.

¿¡Entonces porque a veces querer complicarte te lleva a hacer todo lo contrario?! es ridículo como hacemos lo que sabemos que nos va a desagradar luego, pero complacer ahora, como si el hedonismo y el masoquismo se mezclaran para patearte el trasero el doble de fuerte.

nothing else to do, and to try.

i kinda will be switching between English and Spanish, and no, not to make you see my English abilities, but i'll do it because i just realized the hard way that my English sucks, yeah, it just sucks, so I'm going to fix that writing all this nonsense that nobody is going to read but me, because seriously, only i read this stuff, my stuff.
but i haven't started with the nonsense yet!
but i really want to keep order here so... i will have to save it from next time, and by next time i mean when i am extremely bored!
now for something completely diferent...
i feel like an idiot! for not doing what i said to myself i would do! i mean, i can't keep the promises i do to myself! would i be able to carry out promises i made for others? i think this is a paradox between being selfish and not caring about yourself, i mean, myself.
(i think i will elaborate on that idea later, I'm a freaking genius for realizing it!)
i know what i try to do to better myself is good for me, but i turn it down to do what i want at that moment, that is like being selfish, but actually harming yourself, i mean, myself.
i can't change the pathetic way i are, because i take decision based on what i want at that specific moment, and not what i KNOW will help me in the future, and that will be much much better.
take now for example, I'm writing, and i should be sleeping, because i want to get up early to walk and exercise a bit, but this moment I'm deciding , in paradoxical selflessness, to keep on writing rather than sleeping! and that is going to affect me in the future, tomorrow i will be regretting it, when the excruciating torture of waking up early strikes me!
However, the first way to overcome a vice is to admit it, or to write about it while blatantly falling in that mistake again? i don't know.
but i hope stopping this little bit to write will help me to improve , because i really need to improve a lot of aspects of my life, if i didn't do it, i would hate myself for not doing it, and now i just hate some aspects of myself, but I'm trying! perhaps i only will change when i use the help I'm being given for free, he will make me change, and i will try to accept his methods!

cuaderno

creo que perdi un cuaderno muy muy importante, claro que no quiero aqui nada mas detallar los acontecimientos importantes de mi patetica vida, pero no tener ese cuaderno me hace querer torturarme a mi mismo viendo MetroFlogs de tipas ridiculas, por ser suficientemente inutil como para perder algo tan importante. el cuaderno era como un blog como este, solo que en un cuaderno, y probablemente se perdio, junto con todo lo que escribi, y sin mencionar los trabajos sin presentar que tenia ahi, me dan ganas de torturarme a mi mismo escuchando musica pop/rock en español.
tenia tantas cosas escritas, cosas sin terminar que me muero por terminar, y otras que me gustaria empezar especificamente en ESE cuaderno, me dan ganas de torturarme a mi mismo viendo programas de cirugias plasticas en la television.
tenia la cuadricula del tamaño perfecto para escribir y con las cosas que tenia escritas ahi podia comparar mi escritura mas reciente con la basura que escribi antes, pero ya no, me dan ganas de torturarme a mi mismo mordiendo y tragandome una bola de papel aluminio.

Worst-case scenario minds

El Ratón le dijo muy enojado al Halcón como si estuviera en posición de hacerlo "Suéltame ya! tengo muchas cosas que hacer y no puedo terminarlas así!" el Halcón ignorando completamente lo que el Raton dijo, y con una cara de satisfaccion se elevo bruscamente batiendo mucho las alas y agitando mucho al raton que no pudo abrir la boca para decir lo insatisfecho que estaba, cuando el Halcon dejo de subir y volo mas establemente, el raton estaba mareado, con los ojos desorbitados y la lengua de fuera, y cuando vio la altura cambio de idea completamente y dijo"ach! agh! no me sueltes!!!" y cerro los ojos y se agazapo en una bola

"objetivos y honestos"

Siempre oigo decir que los científicos son las personas mas objetivas ,imparciales y honestas.
¿lo son? , creo que si realmente lo fueran no estaríamos creyendo cosas absurdas , cosas como la teoría de la evolucion o como el post-modernismo.
y obviamente la culpa es de ciertas personas , personas que tenían el poder de esparcir sus propias ideas para beneficiar sus propios intereses... y lo hicieron , apoyaron ciertas ideas "científicas" solo para beneficiarse a ellos mismos , pero afectaron a la humanidad de una manera casi irreversible esparciendo sus mentiras o las mentiras de otras personas , esas son las personas a las que se les llama "objetivas y honestas" ¿objetivas y honestas? mas bien "egoístas y mentirosos".